#denise rewatches gilmores

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, 3x9, A Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving, Part V

Previously on TWWGG, it was still Thanksgiving and the Gilmores were headed to the McMansion. I expected a typical Mother-Daughter-Grandparents-blowout re: Lorelai's embarrassing, pathetic, infantile behavior during the tour of Yale, but what I didn't know was that I'd be in for a surprise twist that would delight me to my very core. The younger Gilmores are introduced to some random richies who will be joining them for dinner and nosing in on their business. Lorelai embarrasses everyone by making cringy jokes, Rory attempts to speak some abysmal sounding French. At dinner the subject of college applications comes up and the random and nosy rich people are rightfully floored by Rory's admission that she's only applied to one school.

Wait for it...wait for it...

In a most stunning act of courage, of medal-worthy bravery, Rory defied Lorelai and went behind her back to submit an application to Princeton, and is admitting to it, which makes Lorelai hopping mad! LOL! She makes a total fool of herself in front of her parents, Rory, and the random rich people! CRY BITCH CRY! I can honestly say I have never been more proud of Rory Gilmore. YOU GO GIRL!

Excuse me bish, who's WE?

Golly gee, I wonder why Rory didn't want to tell you and felt she had no other choice but to go behind your back.

In order to avoid your wrath she had to go behind your back just to AGREE TO MAKE PLANS TO VISIT YALE TO WALK AROUND AND LOOK AT THE BUILDINGS! Leave my poor courageous baby alone.

HAHAHA SHE'S SO MAD! HAHAHAA LOL

(Sighs in Princeton)

Two Sports Announcers Named Bill and Bob (one is really excitable and the other is the calm one): Bill: OHHH! THE YOUNG GILMORE GOES IN FOR THE KILL! The one-two Yale punch! I don't think Lorelai is going to recover from this one, Bob. Bob: No siree, the younger Gilmore really went straight for Mom's jugular with the Yale application reveal. We're witnessing some truly first world problems here, Bill.

Bill: Ouch! Lorelai hits back with the "My daughter is a brainless extension of me who can't possibly be trusted to make her own decisions" Bob: Brutal, Bill. Absolutely brutal. Bill: This will certainly land the Younger Gilmore in years of intense therapy. Lorelai: BUT WHY? WHY YALE? Girl, we've been over this. Now Lorelai believes Rory and the elder Gilmores have been holding secret Talk About Yale meetings behind her back. When they had time to do that, I don't know, because the start of the Great 2002 Yale Debacle was only one episode prior. Oh, I'm sorry, Lorelai thinks there were "Emails". Richard and Emily know what email is?

Sure Lorelai, you're not paranoid, and Taylor Doose isn't funneling money from the bridge repair fund into his own pocket to take trips to Maui and Jess Mariano didn't slaughter Shane on the football field behind the school after the DanceMurderThon and dump her body in the lake. Pshhh. People and their crazy conspiracy theories, right?

Lorelai is really confused by this foreign concept of people changing their minds about things.

Are you there God? It's me, CrazyPantsMcGee.

Is Lorelai looking up at the sky hoping...God himself will intervene? Does she want God to come down from the heavens and tell Rory to listen to Mommy and that she sinned when she went behind her back and applied to Yale?

You're talking to a brick wall here, Em. She doesn't understand the confusing concepts of things like backup schools, changing one's mind, or how hitting on her daughter's boyfriend is inappropriate. Give up.

Digestion time is over. E: You wont let Rory have even one piece of our lives? You hate us that much? Lorelai doesn't respond and just rolls her eyes so that's how you know Emily is right and that Lorelai can't admit she's wrong or it will eat her up inside just like the worms that ate up Shane's corpse after the DanceMurderThon.

[sincerelyyycece]

about me

cece | 𝐚𝐠𝐞: 17 | 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐬: she/her | 𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐝𝐚𝐲: march 6th | sexuality: bisexual | 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐮𝐚𝐠𝐞: acts of service—physical touch

𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐬—

𝐈 𝐚𝐦 𝐚𝐥𝐬𝐨 𝐚 . . . pisces ; intp ; ravenclaw ; a multi-fandom enthusiast; a writer ; a reader ; a senior in high school ; a hopeless romantic in the philippines

𝐈 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐨 . . . read, write fanfiction, take aesthetic photos, scroll on pinterest, eat, have deep conversations that make people feel, watch people experience life, celebrate with others, spend time with family and friends, travel, occasionally get myself dolled up, learn different languages, rewatch/reread my favorite movies/books, journal, be delusional, flirt on character ai, make things pretty/aesthetic, have silly little crushes. .

𝐈 𝐝𝐨𝐧’𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 . . . being a bad friend, letting my friends and family down, the feeling of failure, breaking/broken promises, liars, people who waste my time, people who are mean to animals, inconsiderate people, people who are mean to my friends or family, having allergies, toxic positivity, having social anxiety, having a stuffy nose, humid weather, being sleep-deprived, stress, being sick, taking/people who take jokes too far. . .

𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐈 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 . . . rain, sunsets/sunrise, desserts, amusement parks, photography, animals (dogs), leather jackets, vintage cars, porsche, beaches, travelling, late nights, headphones, airpods, anything pretty/aesthetic, books, fireworks, flowers (baby's breath, roses, tulips, hibiscus), candles, tea, matcha, coffee, music, summer, dressing up, birthdays, the colors baby pink, navy blue, sage green, cherry red, rereading my old journal entries or rereading my old stories. . .

𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐬—

𝐦𝐨𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐬: little women ; mean girls ; la la land ; princess diaries ; pitch perfect ; suicide squad ; the first daughter; 50 first dates ; conjuring series ; harry potter series ; percy jackson series ; hamilton ; pitch perfect ; book of life ; barbie ; five feet apart ; flipped ; the half of it ; to all the boys i've loved before

𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐰𝐬: stranger things ; anne with an e ; gilmore girls ; the umbrella academy ; bridgerton ; elite ; 13 reasons why ; one day ; emily in paris ; shadow and bone ; never have i ever ; sweet tooth ; gossip girls ; riverdale ; hidden love ; you ; marry my husband ; when i fly towards you ; twenty five twenty one ; business proposal ; heartstopper

𝐛𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐬: shatter me ; harry potter ; the summer i turned pretty ; ali hazelwood’s books ; twilight ; little women ; spanish love deception ; american roommate experiment; the hating game ; the kiss quotient

𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐬: taylor swift ; abba ; conan gray ; olivia rodrigo ; lana del ray ; ariana grande ; denise julia ; bts ; blackpink ; new jeans ; sabrina carpenter ; laufey ; niki ; renee rapp ; daniel caesar ; gracie abrams ; phoebe bridgers ; faye webster ; sza ; djo ; bruno mars ; kali uchis ; arctic monkeys ; lady gaga ; cup of joe ; lola amour

thank you for reading my little post all about me <3

[saltygilmores]

“It's clear that Milo and Alexis have formed a tight bond. When I congratulated him on his steamy season-ender kiss, he smiled bashfully and said: "Tell Alexis. It was all her. I was nervous. We're in this huge beautiful mansion out in the country, and everybody stopped what they were doing and walked over to watch the scene. And I was like, 'Okay, this is pressure.' We did it over and over, and people were still there. We did each angle a million times. It was a full makeout session the whole day."

-Milo Ventimiglia, before media training got its claws into him

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls-Episode 3x9, Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving, Part II

LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU! NINJA MARIANO ATTACK! The Pea Soup Vomit coat makes its triumphant return (and possibly its last appearance?) In the spirit of Thanksgiving, perhaps he will return it to the Savlation Army reject dumpster from whence it came, to beclothe another down on his luck Victorian orphan.

It's never too early for some good old fashioned public macking.

Rory Gilmore, World Class Public Macking Self Saboteur: But but but...what about Dean?! If anyone wonders why I often go weeks without updating these things (and I'm sure this is something that keeps you all awake at night)... I've been stuck writing this piece for over two weeks because I plum ran out of new and novel ways to complain about this idiot in the red coat's continued preoccupation with Dean. Like, how many times can I say I want to smack her over the head with a rolled up newspaper like a disobedient dog? You're killing me here girl.

Rory, you're a dumbass. And also you're frigid. In the spirit of Thanksgiving, you should put out and let Jess stuff you. One of your legs is Thanskgiving and the other leg is Christmas and you should let him spend time between the holidays. I know having to look at the pea-soup-vomit coat is probably putting a damper on your libido, but you can take it off of him, I promise he won't mind. He's quite touch starved, that boy.

You wish, pal. Seeing as there's no high speed internet, premium cable porn, or dirty magazines to be found anywhere in Stars Hollow, a little street show might provide some tittilation to the sexually constipated residents of The Hollow. R: Yeah, you know, in the the street...with people watching... J: Go on...

Wow, this screen shot is a real beaut. Look at this gorgeous curly man. Someone should give me a gold medal in pressing the little button on the browser extension that takes screen shots for me, an award that is both real and possible to achieve. Shout out to GoFullPage. Why is his collar popped up so damn high? Is he trying to protect his neck from vampires?

R: We shouldn't flaunt it. J: But I want to flaunt it. R: It doesn't feel right. J: He's a big boy, Rory. It's not the first time a couple has broken up. R:It is for us. J: This is insane. Edit: Thank you @ernestonlysayslovelythings for reminding me that Rory is claiming she doesn't know how to manage her first breakup when Dean The Clod had actually dumped her twice by this point. She should maybe go and eat two beach pails of Ben and Jerry's ice cream over it again if the wound is still that raw.

WHAT doesn't feel right, Rory? Kissing your own boyfriend? Not that I'm unhappy you kinda sabotaged your relationship with Dean in order to get with Jess, but you did kinda sabotage your relationship with Dean to get with Jess. Now that you have him you're treating him like a collectible beanie baby, puttng him under glass and refusing to remove his little tag. Take him out. Play with him. Rough him up a little. Bring him to show and tell. Put him through the wash. For goodness sake.

Narrator: And they would never experience a single moment of comfort together ever.

By the time Millennials like me and Jess and Rory here are old enough to qualify for social security, there will be nothing left. So, yeah, never.

Me, outloud: Girl you are demented. Oh Rory, I don't know what you're so worked up about. I mean, what's Dean gonna do if he sees his ex girlfriend kissing someone else? Stalk her new boyfriend in an alleyway late at night and call him The Glad Man? Pshaw.

Narrator: Things did not get better over time. In fact, they got much, much worse.

ARRRRGH.

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, Season 3, Episode 13- Dear Emily and Richard-Part 5

Before we wrap up DVD & Abortion Gate, aka Dear Emily & Richard, here's my end of episode Bingo Card. I'm annoyed with myself that I always seem to forget these. I think they're fun.

Yeah, I do alter the squares a bit based on the most recent episodes but I try to keep it fair, lol. Like, there hasn't been a R&L D&D in a while so I may replace it with something else? Anyway, no Bingo this episode. When we last left off, Luke and Lawyer Lady With A Phone had returned to the diner after their date deep in a discussion about cheese. Jess is holding down the fort all by himself. I think about how if Jess and Rory were ever to move in together or get married their relationship would quickly implode when their polar opposite work ethics butted heads. You think Jess is going to be happy \working multiple jobs to pay the rent and bills while Rory is at home sitting on her spoiled ass. There's some gritty Literati realism for you. Luke snaps his fingers and orders his tired minimum wage slave nephew to pour Lawyer Lady a coffee. Jess offers to "Go out for an hour" so they can you know, play hide the pickle upstairs. Well that's certainly a nice gesture. What happens when the hour is up, by the way? Jess comes back home, now Luke has to shove his half naked date back out of the apartment before he gets back? Oh, Jess is definitely used to fleeing whenever his mother bought a man home while he was growing up, but I doubt Liz was ever considerate enough to actually give Jess subtle cues of Impending Sex, so, thank you Luke?

Thank you, I was hoping to get an idea of what time it actually was. WHY IS JESS WORKING AT 11:30 PM? (Also, Kirk is still there, and says he had been there for over four hours). Luke interrogates Jess about where he is "Going out" to at 11:30pm, but apparently sees nothing wrong with making him work past 11:30pm. Jess is slamming this hint over Luke's head just like the axe he slammed into Shane (RIP), Luke is either playing dumb or is actually dumb and doesn't pick up on it. Jess asks Luke if he "needs more time". Well, an hour is already pretty generous. How much time does Luke need to plow this lady? Big shot lawyer with a phone needs to be wined dined and 69'd. Wonder what Jess is going to do on his hour away from the coffee mines? Get up to some naughty second base hijinks with Rory? Oh, sorry Jess, you can't do that, because Rory can't say no to anyone, so she's currently asleep in a hospital waiting room with her mother, awaiting the birth of her Kinda A Sister whose existence means beans to her. Looks like it's jerking off in your car for you tonight, kid. Well, either that or a killing spree. Following up on that earlier threat towards Dean.

Luke smacking Jess upside the head outside is a glorious 2 seconds of television. But I mean, shouldn't Luke be thankful? He's doing you a favor. Do You WANT Jess to be home right now, Luke? Okay, I get it Luke. Even if you could get rid of Jess for a while, trying to perform sexually knowing your nephew could walk back through the door at any moment is definitely a boner killer and puts Jess in an equally precarious situation. (this is more or less the basis of an episode of King of Queens, by the way). The entire Jess & Luke living situation is a complete boner killer. Luke sabotages any chance of getting laid by marching the tired baby back into the diner where Jess makes things much less awkward by asking Luke in front of Nicole if Luke wants him to take an extra long shower instead. Where are Luke and Nicole going to pork then? Nowhere, that's where. This date's over. According to Luke earlier in the episode, he hasn't gotten laid in eons, and it doesn’t sound like Joanna Cooper put out.

Luke finally relieves Jess from his child-labor-law-violating shift and orders him upstairs, then (presumably) ends the date with Nicole. Looks like it's... jerking off in your car for you too, Luke. For some unknown reason Lorelai and Rory are still in the hospital waiting for GiGi to be born. Rory has fallen asleep in the waiting room. GO HOME!!!!! Crusty emerges in scrubs and Lor's Lorelai and then informs her of the birth of his child that she does not care about, nor is she a child that Lorelai is biologically related to. Crusty invites Lorelai to see Gigi in the nursery and says there's no need to wake Rory up which is for the best because she doesn't care about GiGi anyway.

As Crusty describes to Lor the sheer exhilaration of witnessing the birth of his Other More Valued Girl Child, Lorelai plasters on a fake smile and squashes down her homicidal rage towards Crusty, but that rage has never stopped her from boinking him over and over.

Welcome to the world, Geej. You are truly fucked, but at least you're not a Hayden. 4 things: One, the birth announcement lists her birth date as January 5th, even though it was established earlier that she came unexpectedly a week before February 7th. Was this the work of the same prop guy responsible for the Tomatos and On Sail signs? Two, they bestowed her with Sherry's last name instead of Christopher's. Three, Georgia was born at 1:17 am, which means by the time she's been birthed, cleaned up, spent time with Sherry, burrito'd in her blanky, and set up in the nursery its already hella later than that. It's gotta be at least 2am, dude. Maybe even 3. Lorelai, you and your kid have school and work in the morning. Neither of you have eaten or showered all night and you're stinking up the waiting room. Why didn't Sherry just agree to email you a picture of the kid or something? GO HOME!!!!

FOUR, where are Sherry's parents or any family members at all AND Christopher's parents? Here's a freshly birthed Rory. 20 inches long, 7lbs 4 ounces. Sign Guy got it right this time and didn't list her legal name as "Rory". But then she's named Rory on her police mugshot. You tried, Sign Guy. The show has been wholly consistent (as far I'm aware) with her birthdate being October 8th, 1984.

I'm impressed that they used real infants for this scene. First they used a real fish in the last episode, an upgrade from the Great Value CGI Fish earlier in the season, and now real babies. And they have the budget to pay a real life and fictional slimy worm named David Sutcliffe/ Crusty Hayden. The second to last flashback shows Fake Lorelai and Chess Club Crusty looking at Rory in the nursery. CCC says they should get married and Fake Lorelai hesitates. End of flashback. Just stick it out for another 23 years and Lorelai will be stupid and desperate enough to marry you, Crusty, and she'll have banged you several more times along the way too.

Yeah. She'll be just thrilled.

Crusty then plants a big fat kiss on Lorelai's face in front of his newborn with his fiancee who just birthed his kid a few feet down the hall, and Lorelai recoils. You slimy worm. Disgusting. Listen Geej, I know you're only an hour old, but blink twice if you need help, maybe we can Randall Pearson you into a nice new adoptive family. (Present Day) Lorelai starts to tear up, and it's unclear if it's because she's just been slimed by a worm or if it's due to the deep, deep trauma that dwells within her. Probably both. Cheer up Lorelai, you're living in the age of DVD players!

Security finally booted Lorelai and Rory from the hospital as Lorelai next shows up at Emily's house bright eyed and bushy tailed with that brand new state of the art dvd player she promised, and I strap myself in to hopefully hear all the delicious early 2000s technology references that are surely forthcoming. I am then disappointed.

Go ahead Lorelai. PLEASE say how much the DVD player cost in 2003. I am salivating. DANG. No dice. Lorelai offers to install the DVD player, Emily doesn't believe Lorelai capable of installing this futuristic piece of technology herself, Emily is happy that Lorelai bought a copy of one of her favorite movies, Lorelai is lightly pleased. Of course I Googled it. The average cost of a dvd player in 2003 was nearly 350 bucks! Final flashback. I have flashback fatigue, you guys. No more I say! Emily and Richard are all fancied up going to a ball or something at an undetermined time in the future-past. They can't find Lorelai. SURPRISE ABSCONDING, BITCHES! SHE GONE! GONE GONE. Gone to go live with her toddler in a shed behind a motel.

Did the show ever state why Lorelai and Rory, weren't you know, living indoors while Lorelai worked at the inn as a maid? In an inn with beds and running water? Mia employed a single teenage mother and said screw you and your baby, go live out back in the shed, these rooms are for paying customers! Anyway. The drama is about to be turnt up to eleventy for the remainder of season 3. I am wholly unprepared. It may be a long time before you see the words Swan Song. Maybe I'll try to come up with something else to fill the void?

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, Season 3, Episode 13- Dear Emily and Richard-Part 2

Lorelai receives a call at the inn from some old fogey who wants them to host his retirement party, but he can't settle on a theme for the party. Michel, much like Jess moments earlier, is triggered by a minor work inconvenience and unveils a detailed plot to first hobble his knees then bury the man alive in what is turning out to be a dark, dark timeline. And we haven't even gotten to Crusty yet. It's a pre Halloween horror fest!

Lane is just hanging out at the inn for some unknown reason, helping Lorelai make decorations? And listening to Michel's gruesome murder plans and not saying a word. Meanwhile Lorelai has sent Rory on a mission to fetch Dean. Oh, here they are now!

Get it? It's a Big Red Flag! Teehee! Rory shows up with an invitation to Creepy Sherry's Scheduled C Section Extravaganza.

February 7th! Hey, that's my birthday! Welcome to this cruel cruel world, Gigi, my fellow Aquarius. Your mother is Absent Sherry and your father is Absent Crusty and Rory is your Completely Uninterested Absent Sister. Oh boy are you fucked! Good luck!

*SIGH* *opens Googs* Laura Mercier is apparently a brand of makeup. It still exists today, and now that I've made the connection, it does sound vaguely familiar. Demerol is a painkiller.

Yah, that's the spirit, Rory. Much enthusiasm. Gigi would be 21 this year. Maybe Gigi also pulled a Jess, booked a good therapist in her late teens, threw off the shackles of her childhood trauma, and made millions with some kind of art at a young age so she could shrug "She's sort of my sister" about Rory while rolling around on a waterbed covered with 8 million dollars. Jess:"Rory is sort of my cousin."

Crossing off "Delicious Looking Fake Food" and "Millennial Pop Culture Reference" From my Bingo Card. Actually, we have a rapid fire 4x MCPR (Millennial Pop Culture Reference) blitz in under a minute. As always, there is likely some underlying context to these jokes that are going over my head so feel free to correct me. Let's go girls. Beanie babies-#1.

Oh stop, Lorelai. We know Rory doesn't do anything to earn money.

MCPR #2. Adrian Zmed is (was?) an actor and she is implying that he'll "do ridiculous things for money, including his whole career" which I don't get because he had just won a crapton of Oscars that year for The Pianist. Did she mean "Milo Ventimiglia"?

MCPR #3. I'm counting "another reference to a time when Amazon was only selling books" as a MPCR (Millennial Pop Culture Reference). Turns out the boxes were filled with a bunch of travel books from Emily.

MPCR #4. Paris and Nicky Hilton. The Simple Life had just come out that year. So is the joke is that like Emily & RIchard, Paris and Nicky Hilton are also Rich People Who Go To Europe? That's about where the similarities end as far as I'm concerned. Meh. I'm saying that AmyShermanPalladino could have come up with a better pair of Rich Snoots to compare E&R to. Boo! Write better jokes! Anyway, as L&R are perusing the travel books from the 80's, Lorelai starts to reminisce about her childhood while I go take a nap.

SUCH bad casting. Bleh.

Heh heh.

The big problem with Teen Crusty's actor is that besides the physical resemblance to David Sutcliffe being phoned in long distance, this geek is way too sincere and not nearly slimy enough to make me believe he's a Young Crusty/Sutcliffe. He's not some devil may care walking red flag wrecking Porsches on purpose and impregnating dopey girls on freezing cold balconies. Boo! Bad casting! BOO! He looks and sounds like he's late for a meeting to preside over the algebra club. As for the actress playing Lorelai, B for effort. She's trying. It's just that no one is really going to pull it off. You're not going to get some random young bubbly brunette actress to fill Lauren Graham's shoes and call it a day. Big shoes to fill, in my opinion. Young Crusty is shown to be the one who has to convince Lorelai to break off the shackles of rich people prison, ditch college, give a big middle finger to their parents, and run away to Europe. The only time he's shown some kind of initiative or vision for his life is when he was 16. Perhaps Lorelai is having some kind of false memory here.

They said the name of the episode in the episode, time to cross off another space on the ol Bingo Board. Cutting back to Reality, reading Rich People travel guides has made Lorelai dreamy about traveling like a rich person now, and she no longer wishes to explore Europe living like a squirrel, so hoity toity hotels it is. But she has no money. Womp womp. Cut to Chilton where Madelyn and Louise are needling Rory about Paris' boyfriend Jamie. Then another meeting of the ol Franklin. You know what that means. Time to skip skip skip to my loo!

I'll just assume "Paris and Rory sexual tension" occurs and knock that one off my bingo board too. During said sexually tense school newspaper meeting, Rory gets a call on her ancient cellphone from Creepy Sherry's work colleague to inform her that Sherry went into a labor a week ahead of her planned c section. This ride or die friend repeatedly calls Sherry's slightly early natural labor "a screw up". Creepy Sherry's psychopath colleague wants Rory to leave school, find transportation and accompany her father's girlfriend that she barely knows during her childbirth at a hospital miles away from her home.

Come on Rory. Say no to somebody's completely ridiculous, unrealistic, borderline psychopathic demands. I believe in you. You can do this...

As as personal aside, Rory accompanying Creepy Sherry during labor was one of those things I became convinced was a false memory in the long time periods between rewatches. I was certain I had dreamed it and it never really happened. This happened with a few scenes tbh. When that happens, I feel a slight sense of self-vindication. See, me? You were right me!

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, 3x10-The Winter Carnival Episode-Pt 2

Netflix will display a content warning of "language and sex" for every episode of Gilmore Girls when there is neither.

I mean this ever so gently. Please shut the hell up, Rory Gilmore and just let this guy kiss you for once in your pathetic life. He's not going to be in your life forever, you know. Then again, he is your future step cousin so he will be around forever, but eh, you know what I mean. All the more reason to learn now. You don’t want to be looking at your smoking hot super slutty cousin from across a desk 13 years from now and regret not doing him when you had the chance so instead all you can do is talk to him about how you can’t afford to buy underwear.

Anyways Just stop talking and give your cuz the ol tongue razzle dazzle.

This is hands down, the 2nd Best Looking Jess of the first 3 seasons. 1st place?

The gel-job + jean jacket + white tshirt + cigarette+ devil-may-care-attitude+ combo was absolutely impeccable. But Winter Carnival Episode Jess is serving up some fierce competition with the dark black coat and a sense of sexual urgency more commonly seen in an inmate who was just released from a short prison term.

Jess: Growing up means learning that the Winter Carnival is just another one of Taylor Doose's grifts to fund his next trip to The Bahamas. Now gimme some tongue, baby.

FOCUS!!!!!

That's my King of Nopes, Huhs, and Okuhs!

Me, talking outloud to the screen in a vague foriegn accent that sounds something like a cross between Gru and Borat: I swear to god if you do not shut up This girl would stop to talk about Lane and her Mom and Dean while they were having sex, I swear to god.

His best work!!! I'd ask Shane if that were true, but you know, stab stab, splash splash, honk honk.

Look how fricking cute they are and they were really dating too. Look how he puts her arm around her. It's so sweet. How could anyone ship her with Dean or Logan? Nonsense. Rubbish. (yes, I say that as someone who does not ship them past the point of their original relationship ending. Leave me alone).

Aruba, Bahamas, Key Largo, Montego...

Does "our own fun" involve playing hide and seek in Luke's closet? (Spoiler alert: He is going to try and pull off another game of Closet Checkers in this episode, but the Cockblocking Fates (Lorelai and some little bratnugget) are going to put a stop to it. Dang Rory. That's cold. Winter Carnival Grift That Happens Every Year In Perpituity Because The Cayman Islands Aren't Cheap So You Can Always Just Go Next Year The Fuck iS wrong With You > Our Own Fun with your new hot horny boyfriend? He even did the backpack-strap-grab. It worked on her. Ladies and gentleman, there has been a compromise. And not a Bargaining With Butthead fear-based compromise like we so often saw with Dean. Rory will go with Lane and she and Jess will "hook up afterwards". Mmmhm.

*rolls around on the floor* *stops drops and rolls*

Speaking of compromises. After Milo wanted AmyShermanPalladino to write Jess off by having him get struck by a bus, I suppose this was her compromise.

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls-Season 3, Episode 12. "Lorelai Out Of Water" Part 1

Ladies, we have more filler. I can't complain. This episode was so easy that I watched it twice.

Lorelai has offered her garage as rehearsal space to Hep Alien. But first! They have to clean out said garage, which they haven't attempted to enter in years. Then they debate whether or not Lorelai ever remembered to call the Garage Cleaner Uppers that one time a few years ago. Thrilling stuff! It's been a while since we've last had a sexually tense Luke vs Taylor showdown.

Meow!

Gilmore Girls is bought to you by our sponsors, Office Depot, Circuit City, and Blockbuster Video. Hold on. I'm getting word that Office Depot still exists. Really?

Nothing to see here folks, just Rory comparing her mother to a woman famous for having sex with rockstars...then insinuating that she should sleep with Zach. I'm sorry Rory, this MILF only has eyes for one teenage boy. One who is a lot less talented than Zach.

This is weird, but hoo boy, it's about to get weirder.

Well well well. Who would have ever thunk that the deeply repressed Christian girl has a submssion kink? Soggy Rygalski is her Daddy ordering her around and reminding her that her drumming is inadequate. Lane personally requested that Dave verbally berate her in front of the other band members in order to...distract them? The plan is that if they see Dave treating Lane like a kicked dog, they won't realize they're crushing on each other? That's kinda messed up? This presumes that Dave and Lane are both confident that Brian and Zach will see Dave treating her like crap and have no thoughts about it except "I guess they're not smooching." Although we've yet to see if this plan, once put in motion, actually works. Anyway. Sure Lane's Dom Daddy is a lispy geek in a patterned sweater, but SaltyGilmores does not judge. It’s always the quiet ones am I right?

Seems like they’ve found a creative way to get off while staying in God's good graces. Have fun you kids.

"Rory, this is all I have" Thanks to Rory I can cross off the "cockblocking" square from my End of Episode Bingo Card.

Rory tries to come to Lane’s defense, but since it was all just part of Lane and Soggy’s sex games it wasn’t actually necessary.

Oh, we know why.

From the messed up mind of AmyShermanPalladino.

"Yes Daddy"

SAME. Oh. She's talking about the place. The place with all the coffee. Alex's kids are named Hilary and Jeff, 6 and 9.

Once again, Lorelai is no Miss Cleo.

Of course she said yes. Alex is totally worth waking up at 5 am for. Back in The Hollow, Lane is chipping away at Mama to obtain permission to go to the prom and hatching another harebrained scheme to bring Soggy Rygalski into Mama's good graces, it involves a Korean wedding and Rory is invited apparently. Whatever.

Well well well. Look who took the place of Stars Hollow Beauty Supply's worst (dead) employee. No respect for the dead, huh. Not even a little shrine or memorial plaque or photocopy of her obituary displayed on the counter. Tragic. #Honk

Where did Lane get 40 bucks? At the Inn, Lorelai is speaking to Sookie regarding her Fishing Date Regrets.

He sounds dreamy. Tell me more.

And the Mid Season Temporary Love Interests just keep on comin! Now we just have to wait for Lindsay. Oh dear God. I just remembered Max comes back in this season too. And maybe even soon. Help. While Lorelai seems to have terrific chemistry with her new temporary Luke substitute (Alex), Luke's Lorelai substitutes (Rachel, Nicole) have always fallen flat and seemed dreadfully boring to me. That's probably on purpose. We're stuck with her for a while. Whatever.

Hey look everyone. There's the baby. Where have you been, young man? I've hit my 30 screenshot maximum. Stay tuned for part 2. (As always, your comments, feedback, reblogs and tags make my day)

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, 3x9, A Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving, Part IV

I just realized the winter carnival episode is next and tbh I'm pretty stoked about that one.

Ugh, someone left Gilmores on my front porch. Fetch me my broom. Shoo! Shoo! At Thanksgiving number one, we find out Lane is spinning yet another tangled web of lies to ensnare Soggy Rygalski (my new pet name for him, don't ask). Mrs Kim thinks Soggy is actually in a Christian band that Lane discovered through church and not a sinful rock band. Mrs Kim serves Tofurky and I feel as if our little vegetarian diner rat would have enjoyed that.

Welcome back, Soggy.

Dang. When Rory sees how people like her mother and Luke and Mrs Kim treat their employees, it's no wonder she doesn't want to get a job! Bad dum tssssh. Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all night.

Why did I remember that scene as being a lot longer than it was? It lasted less than three minutes. Weird!

Onward, from Soggy to Sookie.

"According to the National Fire Protection Association: deep fryer fires cause an average of 5 deaths, 60 injuries and more than $15 million in property damage each year. Deep-frying turkeys has become increasingly popular, but the new tradition is a recipe for holiday tragedy."

Men, eh? One minute they're lying about turkey preparation and the next they're lying about having a vasectomy.

Rory looking gravely concerned or lost in thought as usual. Thinking deep thoughts about frying. Asked Sookie not once but twice "What do you use the oil for"?

Granny creakily rising from her lawn chair to join the hordes of Jackson's screaming white trash relatives has to be one of my favorite bits in this episode (maybe the season?) so far.

Gather round, white trash young and old. Your king has arrived.

THE FACES!

This whole scene is top notch. I tip my hat to you, Miss AmyShermanPalladino. After departing the white trash jubilee, it's time to circle back to Lukes. I know small business owners are hard working people who don't always have the luxury of shutting down and taking a break, but do you think he ever closes the diner? For anything? Christmas Day? Yeah, I'm sure ya'll can name a few times on the show where he closes up shop (would actually be interested to hear what they were). It wouldn't matter. He'd try to close on Christmas Day and the Gilmores would show up anyway and demand to be served instead of drinking eggnog in their own home. For Christmas, Lorelai should buy Luke a massage. (A LEGITIMATE MASSAGE. You filthy readers).

Mommy Daddy please stop fighting

*smashes Jess and Rory together like I'm 9 years old forcing two Barbie dolls to make out*

Alarming to see Lorelai treat Jess this nicely because I worry she may be ill. Or possibly delirious from hunger (she didn't eat at Sookie's or Lane's, she threw out Mrs Kim's tofurky and just gawked at Sookie's house). It looks like Luke was nice enough to give Jess the day off, but Walmart (and its Hunger Games-style Black Friday festivities) may still be calling. Is this the first real, hot, home made, lovingly prepared holiday meal anyone had ever served him in his entire life? (I'll give partial credit to The Bracebridge Dinner). No street wieners for Jess Mariano this Thanksgiving! Jess says he's starving, but Luke told him not to eat until the Gilmores arrived first. That's some grade a bullshit.

All he wants this Thanksgiving is for his fellow white people to Check Their Privilege. Good luck with that, Lucas.

Serving lewks. Luke has just served the table four heaping plates of hot food and upon hearing that the Gilmores will be trotting off to the McMansion next, presumably to eat way fancier, he says they can just throw everything the fuck out and drink soda if they want. Kay... Jess: Please, Uncle Lucas, don't take away my hot meal. I'm ever so hungry.

A screen shot of Milo eating makes a great gift or any holiday or special occasion.

How DARE you Lucas. You are not going to make my poor tired boy serve coffee to the Gilmores on Thanksgiving Day! Lorelai's your ball and chain, you do it.

Yeah, what a pity that not everyone can kiss like Dean.

"You and Jess are a couple of chickens pecking each other." Yooo, it's about time you pick a lane, Lorelai. You're confusing the poor girl. The last time an adult got wind that Jess and Rory were about to peck like chickens The Incredible HulkLuke smashed down the door and put those two chickens out to pasture. Rory: Mind your own business. Lorelai:???????? I assure you she does not know the meaning of the phrase. R: I'm not good with public displays. L: You didn't have that problem with Dean Me: Trying fruitlessly to remember any scene where Dean and Rory passionately made out in public or showed any sort of affection with each other anywhere that Lorelai could see it R: I don't know how this first second boyfriend thing is supposed to go. L: Well he's your first second boyfriend so give it time. R: The whole town got used to me with Dean. L: It'll get easier, you'll have hundreds of men. Well maybe not hundreds. A couple. Three more. Dean again, Logan, then Logan again. L:They'll adjust to seeing with you Jess! R: What do I do about Dean? L: Well he'll move on too. All this sensible advice coming from Lorelai? It is truly the Thanksgiving of Miracles.

God bless you, Babette. God bless you.

The next scene, a Friday (Thursday) Night Gilmores Showdown at the McMansion goes on for around 8 minutes which is going to feel like more than an hour in Salty Time. I'm going to wilt.

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, 3x9, A Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving, Part 7-The Homoerotic Finale

Well, you're in luck Jess, a 6'4 walking trash can is about to make an appearance. Jess: Why should I run all over town to dump this? Luke: Put it in Taylor's bins. We get rid of the trash, It'll drive Taylor crazy, it's a win win. LOL, I love the low-low-low level pettiness.

Did I not just say in my last thingy that Lorelai and Rory would try to force their way into the diner if he attempted to close the restaurant on a holiday? (I did) At least Luke isn't making Jess serve the Gilmores a second time (without getting tipped I'm sure), he must thrilled to be on trash duty.

Wait for it... wait for it...

Can someone put a bell on her collar and implant this broad with a microchip or something, because she seems to have a habit of running off. This is her third Kiss and Run and second in a short period of time (and not her last). It's either Kiss and Run to Mommy or Kiss and Run to Dean. I love how Whatever he was about it. Immediately goes back to stuffing his trash.

AHHHH!! I know it's fun to clown on Dean but that's terrifying. Jess should be wetting his pants. (and Luke would be proud if Taylor found a piss puddle in front of his store. It's a win win).

He's so UNFLAPPABLE. My unflappable blorbo. Nothing flaps him. Starving on Thanksgiving in order to placate the Gilmores then having to get up seconds after sitting down to eat to serve them coffee without getting tipped, being DingDong Ditched (Rory=The DingDong), being threatened by a human pine tree in a smelly coat, braving the late November temperatures with no coat. After all of that? Still not flapped.

He's walking away because you stink like failure and Eau De Your Dad Should Have Pulled Out. Go home, Dean. I's Thanksgiving. The fuck are you doing wandering around town late night for no reason, you tumor. Haha! Joke's on him though. No one at his home misses him. Dean is clutching a Doose's apron on his hand. So like, get this. We saw Dean working in the morning or early afternoon. Sunset is quite early in late November on the east coast, as early as 4:30 pm. It was already fully dark at FND, and after spending a considerable amount of time there, the Ding Dongs stopped at Sookie's again, AND Luke is closing the diner for the night. Even if he was closing "early" for the holiday, I'm going to presume its at least 7pm. So either Taylor made his part time bag boy work a full time shift from morning to night on Thanksgiving Day (there aren't enough people living in The Hollow to keep Doose's that consistently busy on a national holiday?) or Dean clocked out in the afternoon and sat outside the store for hours past sunset waiting for Jess to walk outside.

You expect Dean to have heard of West Side Story. Culturally, he's still working his way through Barney and Friends.

Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more.

Joke's on you Jess, his family forgot he existed and locked him out and now he can't get back in and has to sleep on the street

Huhhhh? The full quote is "One of your boy scout references or a good farmer john joke! You want me to put my apron on and give you a little inspiration?" And again I repeat, HUHHH?? Did he stop by Sookie's place and get into the tequila or something? SAY SOMETHING THAT MAKES SENSE PLEASE. But also, whatever role playing you two do together in private is frankly none of my business.

Again...none of my business.

Eggsactly.

*swan song*COUGH*cough*KegMax*cough*cough*help i cant stop coughing*

Terrifying until you think about how Dean wants to tussle in front of a place called Nancy's Cottage.

That's not the flex you think it is.

Your insult is..calling him "The Glad Man" (Glad trash bags) because he is taking out the trash from his job? You mean Taylor doesn't also make you take out the trash at your part time minimum wage super market job? Is that not usually one of the primary duties of an employee at a small grocery store? You think Taylor is taking out his own garbage? Right now he's lounging on a raft in Maui sipping a mai tai, paid for with the proceeds from the last town fundraiser. What's my favorite nonsensical Dean insult? Is it Glad Man, or is it the one-two punch from "Rory's Dance" where Dean says to Tristan: "Are you trying to act tough, you're wearing a tie!" and "I’m not fighting you, it would be like fighting an accountant! I’ll call you when I need my taxes done!” He also said "I'll kill you" to Tristan in that scene, so you never know what you're going to get with Dean!

"Hey, Fellow Teenage Boy Who Is Also A Recent Transplant From Another State! Even though you actually have a blood relative native to this town and I don’t, this is MY turf! I control the turf between Nancy's Cottage and that store that sells porcelain unicorns! You got that?”

Lorelai to Rory two minutes later, probably: Dean was the perfect first boyfriend! No red flags at all! (psych! I don't have to imagine Lorelai saying that! She already said it at the beginining of the episode!)

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, Season 3, Episode 11- "I Solemnly Swear..." (That I Have No Memory Of Anything That Happens In This One Based On The Title)

The opening credits of this episode confirm we will finally be introduced to Alex (yay)! Alex stan here! Although quite honestly, I'm interested to see whether or not he lives up to the hype I've built up for him in my memory. .Stumbling almost totally blind into a mid-season episode is thrilling in a really pathetic way. I am being informed this is one of the lowest rated episodes of the entire series, but some low stakes mid season filler can still be good for the soul. Emily's former maid, Gerta from Germany, is suing Emily for wrongful termination after she was fired for being a Noisy Walker. Ah, rich people.

Lorelai sits amongst the delicious looking fake food whilst observing Sookie and Jackson having a loud culinary-based argument.

Lorelai puts Michel in charge while she and Sookie attend the seminar where Lorelai will meet her new totally fine and criminally under-rated B-Tier-Not-Luke Boyfriend, Alex, who shines bright but quickly burns out like a falling star, never to be seen or mentioned again. Presumably he is the second victim to be sucked in by the Male Gilmore Girls Character California Wormhole (Max was first, but eventually escapes). We learn Michel attended a fancy French hospitality college, while Lorelai has to attend a seminar at a Radisson called "How To Run an Inn". But then a witch put a curse on him so he ended up working for nickels at a tiny bed and breakfast in Nowherefuck USA. Tale as old as time. I made that last part up, but The Hollow is still where dreams go to die. Something had to go wrong in his life for him to fall so far. Michel: I predict it will be a total waste of time and money and I will be here to laugh at you when you return. So will I, Michel. So will I. Some more newspaper/Francie crap. Skip skip skip, skip to my loo... Maybe I'm missing something important, but it's a risk I'm always willing to take. The scene goes on forever (4 minutes). Lorelai recives an answering machine message from Emily's lawyer, who is voiced by...Seth MacFarlane. Peter, Brian, and Stewie Griffin and the guy who was bullying Lorelai at her college graduation. It's hard to unhear this dude as anyone but Brian Griffin. Anyway, Stewie is calling to request Lorelai give a deposition at German Gerta's trial to which Lorelai steadfastly refuses, but then a few seconds later changes her mind. Yawn. Lorelai and Sookie go to the boring seminar, then leave the boring seminar. They eat some free cookies in the hallway. ALEX, ALEX, ALEX...

Wheee!

He was just as hawt as I remember. Teehee! The first piece of Alex Lore we are blessed to recieve is that he is a business partner of some spazzy dude that Sookie used to party harty with back in the day, 14 hour booze and pot benders and what not, and the two fellas want to open a chain of coffee shops together. Well, at least they're not attending the Luke Danes School of Serving Folgers And Pretending it's Gourmet seminar. Alex, why are you so hot? Even his voice is hot! And funny too! Damn it Salty! You know what happens to him. Remember the cardinal rule you learned in Recapping 25 Year Old TV Shows School- Do not get attached to single-digit-episode guest stars! It's been less than a minute since he first appeared on screen, and I'm already enamored with their immediate and obvious chemistry. They tried to force that same type of chemistry/ dynamic with Jason through an entire season and it fell completely flat on its face. And I can tell you why (besides the fact that Jason and his storyline sucked eggs). In my humble opinion, JasonDiggerStiles was too similar to Lorelai. And it's never wise for Lorelai to date herself. It opens up a terrifying vortex, one which the world's premier Vortex Scientists have dubbed "Season 4".

An incredible businessman and probably good in the sack, too. Uh, just a hunch.

You two are going to break my heart. Until then I'll just try to enjoy the ride. More Francie crap. I am going to skip skip skip but I do want to observe what's on the lunch menu at the Chilton caf.

Mashed potatoes with gravy, asparagus, an apple and a can of Redbull for Paris. Rory is having her favorite beverage, a Hansen's soda (Raspberry flavor); along with a bag of Doritos. Plus, some kind of sandwich, but it's not her usual Prison Cafeteria Special of two slices of white bread. It looks to be some kind of wheat or rye bread with unidentifable innards. Possibly a BLT or roast beef with tomato? And a book for some nourishing carbohydrates.

A better view. We have deli meat.

I'm still skipping past the Francie crap, but I have several important questions first. Since when does Chilton have a parking garage? A dimly lit, empty one at that? Are there enough students and faculty for a parking garage to make sense? Is this parking garage ever seen again? Is this somewhere off campus?

Ahhh! There has been one Dimly Lit Confrontation per episode for the last 3 episodes. Dean vs. Jess on the dimly lit street. Dean vs.Jess in a dimly lit school hallway. Rory vs Ginger Spice in a dimly lit parking garage. But this one lacks the steamy sexual tension of the previous two. Pass. Back at the Inn, Michel admits to Lorelai he once...killed a dog? I think? Doggy annoyed Michel and doggy went bye bye? Wink wink? I don't want to think about this. Sookie's spazzy friend from the seminar shows up at the Inn sans Alex, which means he is irrelevant to me. Mr Irrelevant Joe doesn't know Sookie is married and admits he's had a decade long crush on her. Now she has to break his heart. Oh, sweet, sweet, pointless filler. Lorelai exclaims "That's some real Gatbsy pining." I mean, Luke came pretty close to Gatsby levels of pining. Where's his recognition?

Worth a shot. Sookie tells the Joe guy that she's married. He understands. We will probably never see him again. The end.

Embrace it, my Lesbian Whore friend. Rory and Lorelai rehearse sample questions for the upcoming court deposition. Yawn.

The kid has a lot on his metaphorical plate these days, you know? Cut him a break. You know what fucking bothers me? I have this clear memory of Jess making a brief appearance in this scene where Luke berates him (in person) for screwing up the food order! Time to go full conspiracy theory mode. What are They hiding from us? Where is Jess? How deep does the rabbit hole go? Since when is Jess responsible for placing supply orders for the restaurant in addition to waiting and bussing tables for meager tips, working at Walmart, and going to school (sometimes)? That's your job, Uncle Luke. And if he screwed up the order, you're still his manager, why weren't you supervising him? Is he getting a raise for these additional responsbiltiies or is he still getting paid in acorns? Stop the madness! I KNOW HE WAS IN THIS SCENE! More Francie crap. This time its between Francie and Paris in a bathroom with a tampon dispenser serving as a lovely backdrop. LET'S WRAP IT UP, PEOPLE. Rory and Paris vent their (sexual) frustrations through a fencing match. Paris is mad at Rory for reasons I don't understand or care about. Emily is mad at Lorelai for being both too honest and too unserious at the deposition. Jackson is mad at Sookie because he thinks she cheated on him with Irrelevant Joe and blows up at her. Yawn. Then more Francie crap. There is way too much estrogen in this episode.

But with less than a minute remaining, Alex calls and saves the day. He provides a much needed boost of testosterone to wrap up the episode. And I get to see his furnishings. Well, I was already informed of this, but if i didn't know, now I'd know...what I'm saying is there are fingerpainted pictures on the wall behind him. The dude has small kids. He's a confirmed DILF! Michel leaked Lorelai's phone number to Alex and we thank him for that. I'm still not going to overlook the whole erasing a dog thing.

You mean like how Luke buys Folgers and disguises it as his own blend?

Smooth as a fresh jar of Skippy.

...Says the woman who doesn't know when she's being duped with supermarket coffee (even when its being scooped from the can 2 inches from her face) and puts coffee grounds in the freezer.

Yayyyyy Alex and Lorelai! Yay! He is the only Luke Substitute I will accept for Lorelai. So I'm just going to go LA LA LA LA! for now while pretending this ship doesn't sink as quickly and spectacularly as the Titanic 2.0. Salty is quite pleased with this last-minute-of-the-episode, predictable turn of events. It will make up for the complete lack of Jess (and Luke) in this episode. Jess appeared in name only through The Great Lettuce Screwup of 2003, and in my hazy false memories. On the brighter side, it was also a Certified Dean-Free episode. This show is BORING without Rory's stupid boyfriends.

I do not get why we are suddenly looking at Lorelai through a window like someone is stalking her from outside the house. Dean, is that you? This episode was so threadbare plotwise that it was my first one-shot recap in a LONG time (it still took me over 3 hours to write, though! So your comments, feedback and reblogs always brighten my day and make all the effort worth it). As is the new tradition, here's the (wimpy) End of Episode Bingo Card.

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, 3x10-The Winter Carnival Episode-Pt 3

Where have I heard an ever so slight variation of this brilliant pick up line before?

I see he's refining his moves. Adding some tweaks. It takes years of practice to turn into the Super Slutbag MegaWhore he will eventually become.

Oh. She actually believes he was talking about homework-homework and not Strip Homework.

Yes, dear. Upstairs. A place that one typically arrives at after ascending a set of stairs.

Maybe she's catching on. Time to bring back my favorite imaginary narrators, the two sports announcers, one is named Bob and one is named Bill. Take it away, fellas. Bill : Bob, I do believe Miss Gilmore thinks Mr.Mariano actually wants to help her with her calculus homework. Bob: Yet, we both know that Mr Mariano here is only thinking about division and subtraction. Bill: Subtracting clothes? Bob: Indeed Bill. But it's going to take alllllll day to remove all those layers! Can they beat the Cockblock?! Bill: Oh mercy! Here she comes barreling through the door! Will they make it upstairs in time?!

Bob: Looks like there will be no Closet Checkers for Jess and Rory today. Bill: His balls have gotta hurt, Bob. Bob: Neon blue, Bill.

You still can't make up your mind, can you? And yes they were until you came along. You ruin everything, you ruiner. Someone secured a day pass to leave The Bubble and went to the mall to buy ol Richard some junk for his birthday. A bathroom scale, a coin sorter, and a tie. A Happy Walgreens Christmas to all! Rory totally one ups her Mommy by revealing that she purchased a much more thoughtful gift for Grandpa. Take the small wins where you can get em, girl.

Here comes a gift that its parents wished they could return to customer service after its birth.

When have you ever been sorry about jack squat, you withered pine cone?

"I could have been doing HOMEWORK with Jess but now I'm here. I really like homework."

Well, you do live in a town of like, 46 people, so.

Mr "I casually strolled into your mother's kitchen unannounced at night to try and fufill my dreams of awkwardly nailing her for 15 seconds before you could catch us" here talking about how awkward it was to discover Rory was home at her own house.

"Getting coffee with Dean" is just a gateway drug to "Agreeing to talk to Dean alone at night in a dark alleyway" I'm afraid there's little hope for her.

How about Rory sits in a chair and you sit on a railroad spike?

Maybe Rory isn't neuro-different and this is just a defense mechanism to weird Dean out and get him to leave.

Sure, why not.

Well, you do kill women's appetites, buddy. (Except Lorelai's). Dean: You look incredibly uncomfortable. Rory: Oh, it's not you, it's just The Situation.

Yeah, it's never Dean, it's always just The Situation. That's a big word for Dean.

I can't be mad at Dean for aiming somewhere in the middle and trying to do something with his life. College, good for you Dean. I'm in favor of anything that will get him out of Stars Hollow.

Seeing he is a 6'4 blob with no personality and a rotating range of interests that come and go with the breeze, I'd be curious what he wants to major in. I mean, softball, reading, the motorcycle, and building cars have all gone by the wayside already, now it's going to be hockey? Mr McKellan writing to the college: Dear Sir: Get this fucknugget out of my class. He's your problem now. Please take him for the love of god.

Rory reacts with mild surprise upon hearing Dean’s four year college aspirations, especially since she thought he was aiming even lower (the two dirtiest words on Gilmore Girls unless it's Lorelai going there and then it's fine are: "community college") You lay off him! Doubting Dean’s academic and sexual capabilities is my job.

Wow Dean, you got to read a brochure? I heard that Rory once tried to read a Yale brochure and Lorelai grabbed it and threw in the trash while screaming SHES GOING TO HARVARD! It was weird. Also, you can read? R; What happened to community college? D: I changed my mind Rory:

The Gilmore Girlies really seem to have a hard time understanding this concept of "changing one's mind".

And he continues, "And all that talk about "you can do more". Jess would never describe Rory giving him books to read as "pushing all those crazy books on him". Dean makes it sound like "books" are some crazy foriegn concept to him, like not being human tree fungus. And she "pushed them" on him. Did she hold a gun to your head? (I mean, he was acting like she had a gun to his head when she tried to get him enthusiastic about visiting the book fair) And because of "all those crazy books" she forced him to read and her lukewarm "you can do more" encouragement, he's suddenly an Educated Dean now, now he wants to go to a four year college. Oh that Rory Gilmore, she's such a miracle worker. Meanwhile Jess is praying for a Miracle Handjob. Rory describes herself as "The Rain Man" of college application requirements and wants to help Dean apply to college, which is funny to me, because she had only just begun the process of applying to more than one college in the last episode because Lorelai had her in the Harvard Chokehold. Not her fault, but she really shouldn't be giving herself any accolades there. And you shouldn't be offering to help Dean with, like, anything. Let him figure it out on his own. Jesus, Rory.

Said literally nobody ever in the history of time except Rory this one time. Dean wanted to call Rory earlier to tell her about these mediocre dreams of his, but he couldn't, because of you know, The Guy. I'm sorry Dean, you need to make a friend who is NOT Rory and NOT her MILF Mom. Get a gerbil to talk to or something. You mean to tell me you haven't made any friends from all these sports and hobbies that you get involved in for 1-3 episodes? Let's see how Rory throws Jess under the bus to placate Dean! R:You still could have called me. D:I can't get over how weird it is. I go from seeing you every day to not seeing you every day. I got used to talking to you every day. It's a hard thing to let go of. R: (sadly) I know. Me too. D: Can we be friends? R: (perking up) REALLY? I want to! I really want to! D: Don't ask me how I'm going to deal with HIM. I have no idea. R: Okay. D: Let's take this slowly. "Dealing" with Rory's new boyfriend is something you're gonna have to work on, you skunk. Listen to me, you two sneaky dirtbags. You both SUCK. I feel like this conversation is so low down and dirty and disprectful to poor Jess, even though he may not know everything that happens and what is said when he's not around and even though Rory is just placating Dean like she always has. Enough is enough Rory. Grow a fucking spine already.

(As an aside: she’s always so concerned that random townies will notice her business and spread gossip, but she’s not concerned that someone will see her conversing cozily with Dean over custard pies at the bakery and this won’t make it back to Jess?) I do not like how Rory is treating Jess already, and their relationship is only three episodes in. Arghhh. Salty is pissed!

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, 3x8, Let The Games Begin. Part 7 (It's Been A While)

Last chapter was posted May 11th. Apologies for the hiatus. The vibes need to be just right to create these things. You can read parts 1-6 and everything else in my pinned post. On the last episode of TWWGG: "After Lorelai (Rory) exits the (Yale) interview, one that was seemingly a success, she immediately turns to Richard to chew him out for springing the interview on her last minute and not giving her time to prepare. That is more than fair coming from Rory, to be quite honest. And I’m glad to see her standing up for herself." Lesss gooo. Lorelai hauls Rory into a cab. They arrive home at night, even though it was blazing sunshine a short distance away at Yale. Rory asks Lorelai if they can not talk about college for 2 days and she agrees and everything that just happened is brushed aside and forgotten. Kidding. After a brave display of defiance towards Richard moments earlier, Rorynow expresses her guilt for not towing the line for Mommy. Mommy was right. Mommy is always right.

I....you know...forget it.

I think I should cross off "Lorelai and Rory eat at Luke's without paying" from the Bingo Card. Bringing outside food into his establishment? That's just rude. Luke could probably send Jess to college with all of Rory and Lorelai's unpaid checks and stiffed tips.

Saying it outloud isn''t going to change their unethical and frankly downright criminal behavior, Lucas. You know this.

Or at least a bag of Doritos.

Why hello, my sweet baby darling. I'm ready to Cmhrrrh.

Oh, Is "studying" what the kids call tonsil hockey these days? Run like the wind Rory! RUNNNN. I just have this good feeling Rory is totally not going to blow this sacred opportunity to have unsupervised makeout time with Jess or anything like that. Never, in the kingdom of The Queen of Blue Balls. Lorelai and Luke watch as Rory runs after Jess to "Study". Wink wink nudge nudge. Then a few seconds later without a shred of irony or realization, Luke tells Lorelai how he told Jess that as long as he lives under his roof he's gotta keep his pants on.

You're off to a ripping start already.

Lorelai is being rational? She's not running after them? "It's okay"? She's pulling the "They're teenagers, they can kiss in the dark" shit for Jess and Rory like she did for Dean? I'd say "Fetch me my fainting couch" but I know it's all a big fat farce, Lorelai is full of shit as per uszh, and my fainting couch is in the shop.

Settle down, Lucas. You're going to have a stroke one of these days. Or steam is going to come out of his ears like in a cartoon. Or he'll snap and go on a killing spree.

I've never seen two grown adults who weren't in some kind of strict religious sect have such near anyeursms because their adult children want to kiss each other. What are the odds Luke Danes, the varsity athlete, was much sluttier than Jess when he was 18? Probably pretty high. Cross off "Do as I Say Not As I Do" on the Episode Bingo Card.

Pretty rich coming from Ms "Also Has Run Around All Over Town Looking for Jess and Rory" and "Ms. Run Around All Over Town Looking For a Gumball Machine Bracelet"

I can rely on Lorelai being insufferable in every episode, but when Luke is insufferable too I pray for the sweet relief of the end credits. I hope in his Cockblocking Quest of Glory, that he trips on something. Or loses his hat.

Smoking against a gas pump. Living dangerously. I don't blame him for having a bit of a death wish, to be quite honest. Luke should be more concerned that Jess is going to cause an explosion that will level Stars Hollow into a parking lot than him rounding first base. (Where the hell did Luke go, by the way?)

Whatcha thinkin aboutt?

That was such a good HUH. *pets his sweet head*

*gnaws on the drywall* SUCH A GOOD KISS. I have no words. Okay, That’s a lie, I do have words but I ran out of space so I will see you in part 8 for the thrilling conclusion (which is: Rory ruins this precious moment by abandoning Jess and chasing after Dean) Oh god. I just skipped ahead and there's a Lorelai Couch Speech at the end too. Mind if I join you for a cigarette against the gas pumps, Jess?

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls-Season 3, Episode 12. “Lorelai Out Of Water” Part 3

Lorelai woke Rory up at 5am so she could be awake to meet Alex before their fishy date. Okay, understandable. Alex is an angel. Meeting him is absofuckinglutely worth a five am wake up. Look alive, Rory Gil! You're in the presence of greatness.

Hello, my darling fishy boy. They're so flippin cute.

That is some robe you got there Gilmore. Very cute.

YES ALEX I WILL MARRY YOU! Ahem. I mean, you should marry him Lorelai. Don't let the wormhole get him. Cut to later that day at a Korean Wedding. Dom Daddy Dave thinks Lane looks pretty in her dress. That's about it.

Well, that's nice of you Lane, but just like so many other utterances, this one comes with a big fat asterik. A nice fat juicy BUT.

BLASPHEMY! YOUNG LADY, YOU MARCH YOUR KEISTER TO TO THE WASHROOM THIS INSTANCE, AND RINSE YOUR MOUTH WITH SOAP!

Before she and Jess became an item, she was all Rah Rah Shishboombah Yay Jess, then they start dating and now she's bored and has no problem throwing Jess under the bus like in so many of Milo Ventimiglia's fantasies. SELF COUNTERPOINT: Two years of trying to defend Jess to people who distrust him for a myriad of nonsense reasons has worn her the fuck out. SELF COUNTERPOINT COUNTERPOINT: Rory is maturing enough to not care about other people's opinions? No, no, that doesn't sound right. Lane then sheepishly admits that she was full of hot air and didn't actually mean she was happy for them. This is coming from someone who propped Dean up on the regular for years so I don't take her opinion on other people's men seriously anyway. Rory didn’t even like Dean.

It's still never made completely clear WHY Lane doesn't like Jess. Is this still about the car accident? This is definitely still about the car accident. Rory: You like Smashing Pumpkins and I don't. Lane: That's just because you're close minded and blind. If DDD is Lane's Smashing Pumpkins then Jess is what band to Rory? Show your work. Use a number two pencil.

Okay miss I Must Protect My Besty. Where were you the last 3 years while Dean was stalking, manipulating and emotionally abusing your besty?

Mm hmm. That's right. Sit down. To no one's freaking surprise, Lane does not give one single example of what she is protecting Rory from.

This quadruple date would create a Swirling Vortex of Dorkdom the likes of which had never been seen before. SELF COUNTERPOINT: Keg Max? No, no. We don't talk about Keg Max. Lane then regales Rory with the story of a Korean couple, a story in which the wife endures years of verbal abuse from her husband, and being ordered to cook his meals. She snaps and attempts to skin her husband alive with a carrot peeler. He survived and they are still married and also, he's somehow the victim in this tale.

The Beaver here only escaped death by carrot peeler because our hero Rory Gilmore swooped in and destroyed his marriage just in the nick of time. And because Lindsay just couldn’t perfect the right ratio of arsenic to meatloaf.

I went to look up this episode's air date to see if Jess' ugly sweater was weather appropriate and learned that this episode aired in January 2003. STAY WITH ME HERE? Okay? The show is more or less on a close timeline. Jess is dressed appropriately, if dorkily, but someone should probably check on Alex and Lorelai. Because I looked up the temperature in Hartford on January 28th, 2003. At 5am on January 28th, 2003 in Hartford, CT it was negative four degrees. By 5pm that day, the temperature had risen to a toasty 21 degrees. I mean, Lorelai did concieve Rory on a balcony in the middle of January. It was a toasty 30 degrees at 8pm on January 10th, 1984, a roughly estimated date that she would have bumped uglies with Christopher to concieve Rory. She clearly doesn't mind a frozen wiener. If you want to continue with the weather funsies, here's the website I used. https://www.wunderground.com/history ANYWAY? Luke sees Nicole outside speaking to Taylor and appears all at once concerned, suspicious and smitten (smitten with Nicole. Not Taylor. But also Taylor). Susmitten? Nicole is Luke's Smashing Pumpkins.

Awkward flirting ensues. Luke smiles and giggles stupidly and fumbles his words in a way that we have seen, like, never. We learn that Luke charges 75 cents for a cup of coffee. How quaint. If the Gilmores actually tipped anyone and tipped a healthy 20% that would be a whole...15 cents per cup in Jess' pocket. I mean, they do drink a lot of Folgers, those nickels and dimes could really add up over time. After working for a few days he might be able to afford a pack of baseball cards. But they don't tip, so this is all a made up fictional story. ANYWAY.

Me, sighing wearily, with the Gift (Burden) of Hindsight™: Don't do it, man.

Look at this doofwad. More Korean wedding boredom, nothing happens. Rory can't come to the boring wedding reception of some Korean couple she doesn't even know because she has a date with Jess and of course this bothers Lane, mildly anyway. It's been established that Rory has dutifully attended dozens of these weddings of complete strangers in Lane's family since childhood, for some reason, and this is presumably the last one. She's paid her dues. Lane invites Rory to invite Jess to the wedding reception. He had to be cajoled into going to a fun carnival. I think he would rather cut off his own pinky or tell the police where he buried the bodies than go to a wedding reception of one of Lane's relatives, a Lane who for all he knows at this point thinks he's the scum of the earth. Lane realizes this was a stupid idea. I think it's funny that Lane tells Rory "Tell Jess hi for me." Doesn't he sit behind you in class girl? Lane at school the next day: Hi Jess. Jess: Hey. Mama Kim then tries to set Lane up with some other boy to take her to the prom, while DDD is standing nearby. So Lane gathers her courage and tries to plead her case to Mama Kim and admits she has a crush on Dom Daddy Dave.

It would be so funny if she said Jess instead of Dave. Poor Mrs Kim though. Died of a heart attack so young.

"Him?"

Whomp whomp.

The show's fish budget must have swelled in just a few episodes, because they managed to wrangled one very much living, breathing fish. Compared to just a few episodes prior, when we had Finding Zeemo:

Lorelai appears to have survived hypothermia although its possible she's not admitting to Rory that she lost a few toes. She somehow managed to catch a fish in negative four degree weather. Alex presumably did not question Lorelai’s motives and helped her pack up this live fish, which survived the sub zero temperatures, so she could bring it back to her home where she would dump the poor doomed creature into her tub. A third date with Alex is a go. While the exact fate of the bathtub fish is unclear, much like Lorelai and Alex's relations ship...or Lane and Dave's relationship...or Jess and Rory's relationship...and Luke and Nicole's relationship...or Dean's relationship with Lindsay's carrot peeler... its fate is certain to be a grim one.

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls- 3x9-Deep Fried Korean Thanksgiving- Part 1

It's 6:30am on the 4th of July. It feels like as a good a time as any to write about a Thanksgiving episode. I am quite fond of this episode, it's one of my favorites. It includes a historical first: which is Lorelai being kinda nice to Jess? Hooray! It's a Thanksgiving miracle! But off to the house fire with him again for Black Friday. I cannot, however, even in the spirit of Julyskiving, be nice to Lorelai when describing this episode. This is, after all, the "Just because you and Rory broke up doesn't mean we did" episode. Would you mind taking a Niceness Raincheck, Lorelai? I doubt it will be useful in s3. For the time being, just accept all of the comedic verbal beatdowns that you have coming from me. On with Julyskiving.

Jess can sympathize with Pete. But he's beating his meat instead of eggs. This one is a bit borderline, but it qualifies for a check on the "thinly veiled sexual reference" square on my Bingo Card. I cannot take my eyes off this mug Michel is holding and "sipping" from because it's the emptiest Empty Mug I've seen so far on this show. I've seen some empty cups on this show but dang, this one is empty.

Me looking for love in all the wrong places.

Heh heh. We learn that Lorelai has faked illness and poor cellphone reception (that's not terribly hard in 2002, the year of our lord) to try and weasel out of the last two FND's. Why, you ask? Because she's still hopping mad at Emily and Richard for...taking Rory on a trip to look at a school that wasn't Harvard. Emily Gilmore, the Queen that she is, lays down that in no uncertain terms that Lorelai will have to spend Thanksgiving doing FND. Emily won’t allow Lorelai get in a word in edgewise, complain, or protest 🫡 so Lorelai lays down like a dog and submits. I love to see it.

*checks off "Millennial Pop Culture Reference" on the Bingo Card* Have I mentioned how much I love the 35 year old extras playing high school students?

Not anymore he ain't. Just ride it out for another 3 short years. girl. Reese will be history by 2006. He never married again, either. "Is it me, or did everything the teacher say sound dirty? I mean come on, reticulum? The golgi body? Does that sound majorly pornographic or what?" Heh heh. Yeah. I'm scandalized by the use of the word "pornographic" on this wholesome show. We learn that Louise's father is in prison for an unspecified crime. I love Madelyn & Louise lore, don't you? Paris wanted to volunteer at a soup kitchen to pad her Ivy League resume but no one would take her. She will be ever so lonely on Thanksgiving and needs a place to spend the holiday. *bats eyelashes at Rory* Madelyn plans to spend Thanksgiving filling out applications for safety schools. Paris agres that is incredbly important to weigh as many options as possible when applying to colleges. Rory, meanwhile , remembers that just a short while ago, her Mommy had a nuclear meltdown in public and shut her grandparents out for weeks over the mere idea of her even looking at or thinking about a backup school. Much like the time she realized she forgot to enroll in extra cirricular activities, this is someone who is quietly contemplating just how badly she's boned. Academically speaking.

Paris receives a return call on her ancient cellphone from a soup kitchen, with whom she tries to wrangle a volunteer opportunity. This is how Rory looks at Paris angrily ranting at a charitable organization:

Paris may not be able to pad her college application by helping the needy this year, but she will always be a volunteer in the soup kitchen of Rory's heart.

OMG. Could it be? Is that...the window concession stand from s1?

IT IS! IT IS! I love that little guy! I thought the fragile small town economy had swallowed up another beloved business! You ladies are just gonna walk past and not pick me up a fiesta burger and onion rings, huh? Besides snubbing a small business that has to compete with Luke's and could really use the help, ahem, Rory and Lorelai's Thanksgiving itinerary includes dinner at the elder gilmores, Sookie's, Lane's, and Luke's. They then decide to cut Luke from their schedule, because ol Grumpy Gus doesn't care about holidays and he won't miss them.

And so what if he did? Peace and harmony will be achieved when the people of The Hollow are free and able to be their true and authentic sexual selves.

None of which they'll pay for.

"Such a food rut we're in!" Concession Stand Guy would like a word.

Ya'll are just filthy. You're making jokes about stuffing each other a day before this wholesome holiday. Continue. Please. Lorelai informs Luke that they can't make it for Thanksgiving tomorrow. He seems quietly shattered. *Mr Lonely plays*

Perhaps you can un-disappoint him by paying for your food. So moved were the Gilmore GIrls by Luke's rare, almost visible display of emotion, that they decide they can work him into their schedule after all.

Batten down the hatches, guy. The Gilmores are coming. To your restaurant. Just like they do every day. Multiple times a day. Sometimes after you've already closed. Always eating, never paying.

Rory emptied two beach pails of Ben and Jerry's ice cream in one sitting after Dean dumped her. She ain't wrong. Stay tuned for the next chapter where I will explore the re-appearance of the vomit green puffy coat, Rory's continued pre occupation with Dean, Lorelai's continued pre occupation with Dean (the re emergence of the DALA), comedic thoughts about Black Friday, and much more.

[saltygilmores]

Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, 3x8, Let The Games Begin. Part 8-Party People Are You Ready to Cmrh?

Then she Cmere'd... I looked up the full lyrics of this song, Then She Appeared, for the first time today. And I feel this song is quite fitting for Jess and Rory, if for no other reason than they both appreciate References to Things.

Then she appeared Apple Venus on a half open shell Then she appeared The first photograph on Fox Talbots gel

I was a little frightened Flying with my senses heightened Cherubim cheered, then she appeared

Then she appeared As the giggling crew of Mary Celeste Then she appeared Pale Atlantis rising out of the west

I was a little dazzled Catherine wheeled and senses frazzled Know it sounds weird, then she appeared

And the sun which formally shone In the clearest summer sky Suddenly just changed address Now shines from her blue eyes

Then she appeared Brittle shooting star that dropped in my lap Then she appeared Dressed in tricolor and phrygian cap

I was a little troubled Hookah with my senses bubbled All Edward leered, then she appeared

And the moon which formally shone On the marbled midnight mile Suddenly just packed its bags Now shines from her bright smile

Then she appeared Out of nowhere Then she appeared Out of nowhere

I CANNOT. *leaps off a short building* Every time I'm about to put a pox on AmyShermanPalladino's home for ruining What Could Have Been, I center myself. I remind myself that this is 1000% Milo Fucking Ventimiglia's fault. We could have had it all. But no. He had to break free. He had to explore greener pastures. If greener pastures were unforgettable cinema classics such as Dirty Deeds (the movie where he jerks off into a loaf of bread) And Stay Alive. Amy Sherman Palladino was like, hey Milo, how about 5 years of steady work? And he was like no can do Amy but how about Jess gets hit by a bus for funsies?

You know what AmyShermanPalladino did ruin, though? This scene by having Rory abandon Jess to go find Dean for some reason.

That's DIRTY. What part works? Your wiener? Are you saying your wiener is working, Jess? I mean, that's good to know. But moot. The little fella is not going to see the light of the day for the next 8 months.

Uh oh. She's got that far off look in her eyes, people. Rory wears many crowns in this episode. The Queen of Blue Balls. The Queen of the Smooch and Run. She's got important business to attend to in both kingdoms. Jess will just have to attend to his own, apparently functioning, wiener.

Sports announcer named Bill who doesnt know anything about sports and is also a referee kinda and the other announcer is named Jim: Bill: Oh, it looks like there's been a violation on the court! To the bench for Gilmore! Jim, I've never seen such flagrant blue balling in all my years of describing television shows while I watch them as if they were basketball games! Jim: This is an unfortunate day for Jess Mariano's wiener, Bill. Bill: An unfortunate day indeed, Jim. Just as it's career was getting off the ground.

First of all Rory, of course you said "I look forward to many similar occurences in the future" after a mind bending makeout. Secondly, Why NOW? This very minute? Did Dean throw up the Butt Signal or something?

Yes, let us all Cumurrrh. If only life were made of nothing but sunshine, rainbows, and Cmeres.

She's still thinking about Dean while this is happening.

What Jess is going to be doing to his meat for the next 8 months. #beatit #justbeatit #beatthatmeat

Indeed. Hey, do you think Rory will run into Luke on her way to find Dean? I think his cock blocking mission went awry, he got lost and he's wandering around with a flashlight somewhere on the outskirts of Hartford, he thinks he sees movement in the bushes and thinks it must be Jess and Rory screwing on the ground in public (as it appears everyone thinks they do this) and he's like Aha! Found you! Jesstopher Mariano, as long as you live under my roof you will keep your pants on! It's back to the diner for you! You will work 12 hour shifts! I will pay you in acorns and pine cones and you will like it! And then he shines the flashlight but its just two stray dogs going at it. Between all this cock blocking and blue balling, there is a flicker of light. Of hope. of Joy. of Dean telling Rory to her face that nobody likes her. *wipes away tear* Dean was so real for this.

We get Dean creeping on Lorelai's window, Jess creeping on Lane's window, Rory climbing a tree and creeping in Dean's window...In none of these instances are any of the people behind the windows surprised or freaked out (Lorelai loved it, in fact). This one is particularly egregious. Girly really left Jess at a gas station so she could risk life and limb to climb a damn tree to talk to this clown with ugly curtains. Just what she needs, another broken arm that everyone could turn around and blame on Jess somehow.

Rory says she didn't want to ring the doorbell because she'd have to talk to Dean's mom who she thinks must hate her. Dean states his mom doesn't know anything. Yeah, it's probably not something Rory has to worry about, as I'm convinced Dean's parents dont know or care he exists. They just think a family of racoons lives upstairs and they made their den homey with a dartboard and a football poster. In any case, I don't think Mrs F gives a shit about her son's dorky high school drama. Thankfully not all moms are like Lorelai. Constantly meddling and sticking their noses into every tiny nook and cranny of their adult child's personal life. Speaking of Lorelai, Maybe Dean's Mom should be concerned though that he is being hotly pursued by a sexual predator (Lorelai). Okay, so not only did Rory leave Jess to talk to Dean, it wasn't even to discuss status of their own former relationship. She climbed a fucking tree just to implore Dean to tell his mom they broke up and to pout that his mom must hate her and thinks she's a little floozy (why would she think this? Mrs F's own worthless son dumped Rory, not the other way around. Also, Dean's mom better strap in in 2004.) Does my ex boyfriend's mom still love me and if she doesn't then why? Everyone loves me, Rory.

Describe Gilmore Girls Poorly: A show about about not engaging in any romantic relationships within a small town until you can escape and move at least 30 miles away. Again, if you think things are awkward now with your ex's mom... *whispers* 2004... Rory pouts that Dean is going to tell Clara and Clara is going to hate her too. Meanwhile, back at the gas pumps, Jess is realizing Luke is hopelessly lost and takes advantage of the situation.

Portrait of the jerkoff artist at work.

Sometimes, something happens in an episode of a tv show, something so DELICIOUS, that nothing else that happens afterwards even matters. Closing time, I know who I want to take me home, etc etc.

I really want to end the episode here because it would be just, UGH, perfect, but alas I still have soooo much rambling to do, while I bask in the confusing glow of Dean Forrester's humbling. Rory starts telling a story about some girl who lived in a tree for a year and Dean tries to close the blinds on her. Rory is not having it. Proceeds to tell a speech so unbelievably packed with lies and bullshit it would make Trump jealous. For every bullshit statement about Dean that comes out of her own, I'm going to zap with her with a tiny painless electric shock. Dean, you were the most amazing boyfriend in the world ⚡️ You made me so happy ⚡️ You made me laugh ⚡️ (when was this, exactly?) My mother liked you (and how!) you were nice to my friends ⚡️, you protected me ⚡️ (your friend had to protect you from his temper) you even came with me to that stupid ball (only after pitching a bitchfit about it first) I really did love you (only because my mommy said I had to love you) ⚡️I'm going to miss you sooo much⚡️(my mom will though) Dean: You're with him now? Rory: I don't want to talk about him. I just came to tell you how sorry I am. Wow. WOW.

Your NEW BOYFRIEND who is FRESH AS A DAISY and whose BALLS REALLY HURT right now is wondering where you went! Oh please Jess, do ask Rory tomorrow why she had to run off so suddenly. Let her stew in guilt juices as she struggles to explain how she ran away after your first real kiss as a couple to feed her ex boyfriend a freshly baked casserole of lies about how amazing he is and how much she misses him and how you, the new boyfriend, aren't even worth discussing. HOW IS DEAN THE HERO IN HIS EPISODE. Luke IS LOST really needs MONEY FOR CAB FARE FROM HARTFORD. She profusely apologizes for how she "treated him". Dean humbling Rory: Necessary on occasion Rory apologizing to Dean for anything: No. Just no. Even if she was at fault for certain things, like playing mind games and running around on him with Jess (Dean doesn't even know she cheated on him). We do not apologize to Dean for anything. Rory climbing a tree to grovel to Dean: Pathetic Rory climbing a tree to grovel to Dean and beg for his mom and 9 year old sister to please like her and tell Dean how uhmazing he was: Double pathetic with a side of Pity Cherries on top. We do not CRY-GROVEL to DEAN FORRESTER from a TREE! *whacks her with a newspaper*

Oh no..oh no...I swear she was walking away from the couch like she was going to go to bed, then she had to turn around. SHE HAD TO TURN AROUND. Rory: It was...eventful. Lorelai: It was eventful? *Chuckles in Lorelai* *a dark cloud forms* *Salty braces for impact of Couch Speech*

HUH? WHAT IS HAPPENING?

WHY RORY. WHY. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. Here's my End of Episode Bingo Card (with two bingos! Almost a full card!)